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Personal Development Protocol: What’s Holding You Back?

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Do you honestly believe that there is some sort of "cosmic conspiracy" that is keeping you from attaining your dreams?

I mean, seriously. Think about this for a minute.

For years you've had dreams of attaining success in various areas of your life, yet here it is – years later – and you haven't yet accomplished what you've been dreaming about.

Why is that? What's holding you back?

Do you want the answer? Are you ready for the truth? If I tell you, will you promise to then take action on what you have learned?

Get out of your own way!It's you. You are the only thing that is holding you back from a massive level of success in each and every endeavor that you get involved with. Whether it's weight loss, personal development, career growth, relationship success, spirituality – you name it. What you want to accomplish is irrelevant. You can do it; no matter what it is.

The problem is that you allow yourself to struggle. You allow yourself to look at the obstacles that are in your path, and then you empower those obstacles to actually have the ability to keep you from getting what you want.

Sometimes these "alleged" obstacles are very obvious, while other times they are cleverly hidden in self-limiting beliefs, and misplaced feelings of loyalty or responsibility.

  • After all, what parent is willing to give up 2 hours each evening in order to exercise, work on a home-based business, or take a night class when they have children to tend to?
  • What highly ethical employee is going to spend evenings and weekends starting their own business, while at the same time living up to their perceived standards of morality with their present employer?
  • What type of wife or husband will leave the childcare, the cooking, the chores, or the maintenance of the house, yard, and family vehicles to their spouse so that they can focus on their own personal or professional needs and desires?
  • What kind of friend turns down the opportunity to go spend the weekend camping or going to the beach with other friends so that they can stay behind and study, work on their book, update their website, or create a product to sell?

Do you see a pattern developing here? In each of these instances, it is only the individual in question who is keeping themselves from doing the right thing with regard to their own personal development.

  • No one wants to be the bad parent who doesn't have time for their kids.
  • No one wants to be the employee who left a good employer behind in order to tend to their own future.
  • No one wants to be the husband or wife who basically tells their family that they are going to have to take care of themselves for awhile.
  • No one wants to be the friend who is unable to "play" because of responsibility fulfillments that will ultimately lead to future success.

No one wants to be the person who actually does what it takes to succeed because doing so means making sacrifices.

Why is it that people are more than willing to make excuses, but they are not willing to make sacrifices?

Think about it.

Dan and Jennifer are the Founders and Senior Editors of Ask Dan & Jennifer, which has been called "the best and most popular Love and Sex advice column on the Internet today". Their videos are some of the most popular videos on YouTube. You should Fan Dan & Jennifer on Facebook and Follow them on Twitter!
Posted On May 30, 2007 · Filed Under Personal Development · Tagged With

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  • Alison,

    Your quote "can do anything but hear" reminds me of something that I used to be fond of saying, although I don't say it anymore. I have come to believe in a level of power beyond the present physical existence, but in the past, I used to always say "You can't change the laws of physics".

    I used to say that in reference to the fact that you could push, pull, and bend every other rule or guideline in our lives, but when it came to the laws of physics, that was where you had to draw the line. Disregarding any discussion of a level of power beyond the physical realm, I thought at the time that it was an accurate statement.

    However, I don't say that anymore because I firmly believe that the only limits we have are the limits that we put on ourselves. Anything that we presently think of as "impossible" is nothing more than something that we haven't figured out how to do yet.

    Here is an example that should resonate specifically with you, and if you don't know this story, I highly recommend that you pick up a copy of 'Think and Grow Rich '.

    Napoleon Hill's son was born without any ears at all. Not only could he not hear, but he didn't even have the physical features. Over the course of years filled with faith and the consistent application of desire, Napoleon Hill came to understand that his son could "hear" via certain types of vibrations.

    That revelation ultimately led his son to seek out ways to turn vibrations into sounds that deaf people could actually hear. It is a long story going over the whole path, but the short version is that his son and the company that designed the technology were ultimately responsible for the creation and the distribution of what are today commonly known as hearing aids.

    At the beginning of the story he had no ears and no hearing, and by the end of the story not only could he hear just as well as anyone else, but he pioneered the very industry that today gives hope - and hearing - to people all over the world.

    Anything is possible, Alison, and the only limits that we have are those that we put on ourselves. I truly believe that, and I hope that you do as well.

    You are clearly a passionate person about what you believe in, and I for one would love to see the results of what that kind of passion could accomplish if it was completely unfettered by limitations.

    To answer the initial situation that you described:

    Can someone who is deaf be expected to achieve a dream of being a singer? Absolutely. It's not a matter of what is possible or what is not possible. It is simply a matter of finding - or creating - a way to make it happen.
  • Alison
    Okay, I have a dream I want to become an accomplished singer. I'm Deaf (as in hear nothing). Tell me how I can achieve this.

    Not everything is possible. I can't sing to save my life, and the way my body is designed would never allow it.

    (And for the record, I don't want to become a singer, don't care for music).

    Whilst Deaf people are familiar with the concept 'can do anything but hear', and through oppression have a higher drive than most, there are some things that are never achieved in your lifetime. History is a fine example of teaching you this. I do not say this out of lack of self belief, just sometimes you can only go as fast as society moves. When you are in a minority group, sometimes you get voted out by something called democracy.

    I do think you've way over simplified this, the approach does not exist in black and white. People from truly oppressed groups would possibly take offence at the suggestion that it was down to lack of self belief, when possibly they've spent an entire lifetime sticking two fingers up at the system. Probably on a daily basis. I know for one I've done it.

    What is interesting working in the Deaf field (what I've done in the past) is working during the process of transition, young people about to leave schools. An awful lot of the negative expectations around Deaf people come from teachers, various other professionals and parents. Young people are miles ahead with their dreams, a good thing, and having to go through the process of pulling them to practical steps. Ask a 14 year old to draw a picture where they want to be in 10 years time, and they usually come up with: house, car, 6 kids, £1 million in the bank etc. How you negotiate allowing them to hold onto that dream / dream with practical steps is an interesting one. (I've been through this process dozens of times with various groups, and one that is never entirely absolved).
  • JP,

    I couldn't have said it better myself! We are all responsible for the state of mind that we have at any given point, and if that state of mind isn't what we want it to be, then that can be a bitter pill to swallow.

    However, by realizing that we got ourselves into that state of mind to begin with, we also realize that it is a simple mind switch that will instantly take us to whatever state of mind we want to be in - even if it feels weird and amazing! :)
  • JP
    What has been holding me back is my own limiting beliefs. I could blame society for making me insecure and ego driven, but it was me who allowed those beliefs into my subconscious. Now I'm all about standing on the edge of existence and truly living my life. Sure it may feel weird, but that weird feeling is amazing.
  • Tony,

    Much obliged for joining in the conversation and adding another unique point of view!

    It is just as you said in your comments, there are certainly things that are out of any given person's control - at least for the moment. The more of a minority that a person falls into, or the more persecuted any given group of people is by their government or their culture, then the harder it is going to be for that person or that group of people as long as they continue to focus on the negative aspects of their situation.

    This post is about making sacrifices in order to get what you want out of life, but in no way does it insinuate that every path the "sacrificer" takes is going to be easy.

    Both you and Alison pointed out some obviously very real details of how life is difficult for people who are deaf, and I don't doubt that in any way shape or form. I'm sure there are other difficulties that go far beyond what the two of you listed.

    However, focusing on how things are not going your way in life never helped anyone. Look for solutions, yes, but obsess over the negativity, absolutely not.

    I have no doubt that the more difficult a situation is - such as equality for people with physical constraints - the more difficult it might be to find a solution. However, I do believe that those solutions do in fact exist, and in order to find them, I would personally spend most of my time focusing on that more than anything else. I wouldn't focus on the negative aspects that already exist, but rather on how to build positive solutions for the future.

    It is my sincere desire that other people who read this post followed by this conversation will realize that - compared to the issues of equality for deaf people - their problems probably really aren't so bad.

    And if that happened, you can bet that person would do a lot more for the next deaf person that they saw. Discussions like this are exactly how things like that happen, and how change starts to happen as well.
  • ..one more point, and those things that I did not create, CAN and DO stop me form advancing as a human being occassionally!
  • I am a friend of Alison [who posted the first comment], and I am Deaf.

    While I am a believer in karma, and yes, to a certain degree, the person ultimately responsible for my destiny, the fact remains we live in a world with other human beings.

    We live with people who have different desires, needs and wants. We also live in a world, as Alison said prejudice is rife, and oppression is very real, and a world where there are human beings who actively seek to oppress other human beings - for whatever reason.

    And it is not always ones won fault, let alone exercise of power, that stops one from advancing and self improvement. There is no such thing as alleged in cases like this: homophobia, sexism, racism, audism, et al. They are real, and they are obstacles.

    Sure, we can choose how we react to them, but we can't always overcome them, let alone re-route ourselves to a different path. Life is ying and yang, and a contestant struggle - because you are dealing with other human beings too - to make the best choices you can with what you are presented with.

    True, life doesn't have to be as hard as we make it, and we do create extra problems of ourselves, but still....

    I don't create the obstacle of DVDs with no subtitles
    I don't create the obstacle of no sign interpreters for classes
    I don't create the obstacles of anti-gay prejudice
    I don't create the obstacles sexism
    I don't create the feelings of low self esteem engendered by the dominant society
    I don't create my hearing impairment
    I don't create the ignorance and assumptions put out by the Hearing culture

    And so on...

    I can choose to fight or overcome these obstacles, but I did not create them!
  • Diogo,

    Much obliged for you hopping in to add your voice - great stuff!

    As to what you said, I love how you pointed out that the word "sacrifice" could have negative connotations, and I'm sure that it does for some people. If so, then feeling like they have to make a sacrifice could certainly keep them from manifesting their desired end result.

    Using myself as an example, I have many things that I do online every single day, usually even on the weekends, and I certainly consider my time away from my friends, family, and my own hobbies as a sacrifice. However, in my personal view of the world, I feel that in order to attain my dreams, I should provide value and good experiences for others, so I work long hours in order to do exactly that. However, I don't have a negative attachment to making those "sacrifices," so doing so does not cause resistance or friction for me.

    In response to what you said about manifesting the life that you want in a manner that you desire (smooth, stress-free, etc.), that is totally possible! The problems start when our own belief systems kick in.

    Most of us have been brought up in a culture that taught working hard as the path to achieve success, so it can be difficult for us to reprogram our own inner thinking in order to truly believe that it CAN be easy to attain success.

    As with everything else, it all boils down to each person's internal belief system. If you truly believe that you can manifest success in an easy and relaxed manner, then I absolutely believe that you can do that.

    However, you have to believe it, too! :)
  • Diogo Chaves
    The article and the comments are really fantastic! I've learned and thought a lot about this topic, thanks Aaron and Alison [so far]. But a question came to my mind.

    I believe that I'm the creator of my reality [as Aaron explain in other topics], so, why can't I believe that I may achieve what I want WITHOUT sacrifices? That the path will be smooth, nice, whatsoever? That I have time to go out with friends, stay with my family, have fun AND, without sacrificing any of that, I still make time to go after my goals?

    Sure there will be times I have to choose what I'll do [instead of going out with friends, I stay at home to study, for example], but that's not a sacrifice, I'm doing another thing that gives me pleasure and helps me to achieve my dreams.

    I thing that I didn't say much at all =p. For me the word "sacrifice" carries a 'bad idea', so I prefer to see things the way I stated here. Any comment on that [by anyone] would be great.

    Thanx for the opportunity to be part of this discussion!
  • Alison,

    Thank you SO much for your thoughts on this matter! You have brought up the very valid point that attaining success is not always about laziness, or a lack of ability to make sacrifices. That is very true, although I'm sure you will agree that it is also the exception, rather than the rule. After all, how many people would have gone through the 10 years of struggling that you have gone through?

    As far as your particular issue, I certainly can't speak to a potential solution as I know almost nothing about the situation, but I can say that there is always a way. Sometimes the road to that solution is short and easy (RARELY), and sometimes it is long and arduous, but there is always a solution, as long as the person looking for the solution believes that a solution exists.

    Are you focusing on eventual success as an absolutely iron-clad fact, or are you focusing on your obstacles? You are the only one who can truly answer that question, Alison, but when I read your comment, these 4 things stood out like neon lights to me:

    "...equality does exist..."
    "...prejudice is rife..."
    "...I and others can do the usual campaigning..."
    "...we are nowhere near a position of equal access for all..."

    Again, you are the only one who knows if success is even possible in your mind, but in looking at the 4 quotes above, do you honestly believe that you are focusing on a belief that success is attainable?

    I have nothing but respect for the obviously consistent effort that you have made, Alison, so please don't misinterpret my comments. You are clearly passionate about your goal, which - in my mind - means that success is only a matter of time. It's just a case of finding the right path.
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